Q: So, first things first: What is the short answer to the question, "Will you and your wife be having any children?"
A: No.
Q: Would you care to elaborate further, for the benefit of those who might want to read on?
A: You want reasons?? LOL Okay, fine. Go on...
Q: When did you first realize that you did not want to have children?
A: Like most people, I spent quite a bit of time pondering my future when I was a child myself. Since your parents are your earliest role models, it's natural to want to emulate their actions. Obviously, this would include having children. As family and friends around me began having children of their own, it occurred to me that I didn't feel warm and fuzzy about their new arrivals. Time passed, and my priorities turned to dating, school, and career choices... but the concept of being a parent became less and less of a priority. Nonetheless, I did give it a lot of thought. And the more I thought about it, the less the idea appealed to me. To this day, I've never seen myself as good parent material.
Q: Do you ever feel like you are missing out on something special?
A: No, not at all. I have no regrets about my decision to not have children. In fact, I think I've done a lot more with my life than I ever could have as a parent.
Q: How about your wife? Does one of you feel more strongly or differently about this than the other?
A: I can honestly tell you that Jess and I are as close to being on the same page regarding this issue as two people can be. And, as far as I can tell, we are both equally and ecstatically happy about our decision. Because she is a woman, my wife has had to withstand some of the typical questions that a childfree woman would expect - you know, things like "How can a woman ever really fulfill herself without having a child?" and the usual stuff about the so-called biological clock. Even I ask her about her feelings on a regular basis, and she tells me that she couldn't possibly feel happier or more complete than she already does. In fact, I think a child would be more of an impedance to her contentment.
Q: Well, that may be so, but I'm sure many parents will still try to tell you how rewarding it is to have kids.
A: Again, I'm not going to deny that this is true. I'm sure that there are plenty of pleasantries involved with parenting, but from my point of view, there appear to be as many (if not more) "Maalox moments" intermingled with the "Kodak moments". The key is, does the joy outweigh the pain enough to justify the choice? That's a very personal determination. For me, the answer is definitely not. I'm surrounded by parents at work and in my own family. It's sometimes difficult to communicate with them because we are on such different trips. For example, while I'm trying to discuss things like the vacation I'm planning with my wife, the convertible we're thinking about buying or even just our dinner plans for the weekend, their conversations tend to be centered around their children, the expenses associated with them and their own general lack of disposable income and free time. I don't know about you, but it would take a mighty large boatload of "joy" to offset the discomfort presented by the daily sacrifices faced by most parents. If I'm already as happy with my life as I'll ever need to be, why take the chance of screwing that up? As the saying goes, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Strangely, as satisfying as parenting is supposed to be, I seldom hear about that component of the experience from parents. If it's rewarding to have children, the parents I know certainly don't portray that to the people around them very convincingly. This may offend some parents, but I'm not totally sure that all of them are as happy about their decision to reproduce as they might want people to believe. Of course, that's still considered to be a taboo issue (although not quite as much as it used to be), plus it's totally human to be a cheerleader about the choices that you've made, especially when those choices are life-altering and irreversible. Now, you could argue the same point about my choice to NOT have children... but, the difference is, you will never hear me complain about my decision. I hear parents complaining all the time.
Q: What are some of the advantages to being childfree?
A: Where do I begin? For starters, my free time is truly my own. My wife and I are able to do things on the spur of the moment. We don't have the financial woes shared by many parents. We shop, dine, and travel freely. We sleep through the night, every night. We aren't concerned with babysitters, college tuition, or wondering where junior is at 2 AM. We lead a relaxing, fun and relatively stress-free life, and we anticipate an early retirement with more than enough money left over to do what we please in our golden years.
Q: Well, it can't be all good. What about the disadvantages to not having children?
A: Actually, I can think of one drawback: It's sometimes difficult for us to make and maintain friendships with our peers who are parents, mainly because of their lack of availability. Plus, parents tend to want to talk at length about their children, which is only natural, but it happens to not be an interest of ours. Fortunately, we have discovered one workaround to this dilemma.
Q: How do your respective families feel about your decision to remain childfree?
A: Those who have expressed an opinion have been supportive. However, most of our family members don't really seem to care.
Q: Have you given any thought to who will take care of you when you grow old?
A: Yes. Should my wife and I live so long that we can no longer care for ourselves independently, the duties will be handled by paid professionals. Remember, this is a much different era than the one in which our ancestors lived. Even if we did have children, we would fully expect them to be totally engrossed in their own lives. It would be arrogant for us to expect them to assume the roles of caretakers, and having children simply to satisfy that need is not a valid motivation for reproduction.
Q: What would you consider to be a "valid motivation for reproduction"?
A: Proliferation of the human race and avoidance of extinction. Other than that, I cannot think of any. Unfortunately, there are more wrong reasons for having children than there are right ones. Peer pressure, family or parental pressure, tax breaks, fear of being alone, keeping up with the neighbors, having a baby to save your marriage... none of these qualify as valid reasons to become a parent, in my opinion.
Q: Is it safe to assume that you believe we have a severe overpopulation problem?
A: Absolutely. There are simply way too many humans on the planet today, and things won't get better unless more people step up to the plate and decide to remain childfree. Most of the problems we face today can be linked, directly or indirectly, to overpopulation. Once you reproduce, you become part of the problem.
Q: Why don't more people share your opinion?
A: I tend to think that a lot of parents at least have some inkling that we live in an overcrowded world... it's a difficult notion to ignore, especially when you consider the plight of third-world nations, and where our own country is headed at the going rate... but, at the same time, people tend to live their lives in a vacuum. In other words, they reside in their own private worlds, and they don't feel that it's their responsibility to address the issue. Additionally, many people are pressured into reproducing as a result of their religious beliefs. While I respect individual philosophies, I think it's important to point out that biblical directives like "Go forth and multiply" were issued at a time in history when there were far fewer of us, and we had to replicate ourselves out of sheer necessity. Needless to say, we really did run with the multiplication concept, and excessively so. Considering that people are living longer lives today, we could probably put a total lid on reproduction for a long time without ever being concerned about becoming extinct.
Q: Do you hate children?
A: You'd be surprised how often I am asked this question when I tell someone that I am not having children. Allow me to answer with an analogy: I do not own any purple slacks. However, this does not mean that I hate the color purple. I happen to think that purple is a very nice color under many circumstances, but I don't think it's appropriate for pants, at least where my wardrobe is concerned. Similarly, I have met many pleasant, well-behaved children in my lifetime, but if I had to take them home with me at the end of the day, I wouldn't enjoy them nearly as much. You will find many people in our society (teachers, librarians, social workers) who enjoy working with children on a daily basis, but do not want children of their own. This mindset cannot be equated to hatred of children. People who jump to this conclusion about others who have chosen not to have children are most likely insecure about their own reproductive choices, in my opinion.
Q: About the word "childfree"... is that not the same as "childless"?
A: "Childless" implies a loss, or something that is missing. It has a negative connotation. People who refer to themselves as "childless" currently have no children of their own, but often wish that they did. On the other hand, we are "childfree" by virtue of the fact that we have no children, and are totally satisfied with that status.
Q: Do you feel that you are being selfish by not having children?
A: Technically, all human beings are equally selfish in that we make choices based on what we feel is best for us and those around us. Whether your motivation is worldly gain or a divine reward, you do what you do for a reason, and it is a reason all your own. People who choose not to reproduce are no more or less selfish than those who choose to have children.
Q: Do you have any nurturing instincts at all?
A: Any nurturing instincts that my wife and I have are amply satisfied by caring for our four wonderful cats, who offer endless and unconditional affection, and nothing else. On any given day, we would much rather clean a litter box than change a diaper.
Q: What are your thoughts on the commonly held beliefs that "Children are our future", and that "Parenting is the world's most important job"?
A: Ahh, the ravages of advertising and sappy popular music. These statements are song lyrics and/or commercial slogans, created by Madison Avenue and the baby industry, that have been pounded ad nauseum into our brains over the years. Let's not confuse marketing mantras with great truths. For the record, anyone who will be here in five years, ten years, twenty years or tomorrow is part of our "future", and I can think of any number of jobs that are as important as parenting, if not more so. For example, if we suddenly had 50,000 fewer doctors, nurses or garbage collectors in the world, how would that affect the quality of life compared to what would happen if the same quantity of people decided not to become parents?
Q: Is there any chance that you will change your mind about not having children?
A: It is highly unlikely. However, IF my wife and I were to develop a desire to have a child of our own, and IF we had the mental and financial wherewithal to pull it off, and IF we felt that we had already accomplished everything else that we had set out to do in our lifetimes, then we MIGHT consider adoption... but from any standpoint, physical or otherwise, bringing a new life into the world would be out of the question.
Q: What are your views on abortion?
A: Personally, I find abortion to be a rather unpleasant solution to a critical situation, and it should be avoided at all costs. With the availability and variety of modern birth control methods, there really isn't any excuse for an unwanted pregnancy (barring extreme situations, like rape). My wife and I have taken the necessary measures to virtually guarantee that a pregnancy will never occur, and it is the responsibility of every human being to take similar steps, whether they be permanent or temporary. Nevertheless, abortion should remain legal, safe, and available for anyone who finds a need for it. My only wish is that more of our leaders and citizens would have the sophistication to understand the importance of separating their personal beliefs from what should be allowed in a free society.
Q: What advice would you offer to someone who is considering having children?
A: I would never tell someone how to live his or her life; that is not my place. We are free to follow our own convictions, within the constraints of law and reason. My advice would simply be to think long and hard about the choices you are contemplating. For those who are truly up to the challenge, parenting seems to be a very rewarding experience, but it is perhaps the most life-altering decision you will ever make, it cannot be reversed, and it should definitely not be taken lightly. People are quick to ask me why I have chosen not to have children, and I always have a very well thought-out reply. More often than not, when I ask a parent why he or she decided to have a child, that person does not have an answer for me. I'd like to think that a prospective parent would give at least as much thought to the pros and cons of parenting as my wife and I gave given to remaining childfree.
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